It's true, and the last thing I was looking for in SecondLife was a relationship. But you can't stop emotions. And for most of us, SL arises a lot of emotions.
I still was quite noob and he also was. We'd known each other for a few weeks and then there was this magical evening... chatting, showing each other our new outfits, visiting a concert, ok let's try that poseball... OMG are those butterflies in my stomache?!?!?! Well, not only in my stomache, obviously ;-)
I was confused - we both were - falling in love with a pixelated person? Wasn't it imagination? No it wasn't, even my human's monthly cyclus was out of order*
We talked a lot about our feelings and thoughts. We were happy, but there was also guilt to our FL-partners, even though there was no sex involved, and even though we would never give it a chance in firstlife. The intense feeling for another person was enough to feel guilty. We had our hard times, knowing that we'd never meet and physically touch each other. But despite those sombre thoughts we decided just to enjoy it, because it feels soooo good to be in love :D
Love hurts
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive
Love sings
When it transcends the bad things
Have a heart and try me
'cause without love I won't survive
But sometimes it's a good hurt
And it feels like I'm alive
Love sings
When it transcends the bad things
Have a heart and try me
'cause without love I won't survive
After about 6 weeks it was over, but a wonderful friendship lasted.
And it all happened again. And again. And much longer. And suddenly online sex wasn't only for loosers and nerds anymore ;-).
Why does this happen? Why are emotions carrying me along all the time when I'm in SL? What kind of cruel world is this, making me cheat my husband, even though I love him. Or isn't it cheating?
Sometimes when I'm alone I wonder
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing
Is there a spell that I am under
Keeping me from seeing the real thing
I'm not talking about flirting here. I'm talking about deep, warm feelings for another person. I'm not talking about fancying a cute or sexy avatar and having a one night stand. I'm talking about meeting someone - possibly even a noob ;-) - and thinking: "I want to know everything about this person, who *is* this?" Feeling that the other person is thinking the same. And you get to know each other better in a few weeks time, and talk and talk and talk and have sex...
Oh, that *curses* SLex! It just happens, I can't resist it... but why?
In my first life I wouldn't think about having sex with my best friends, even though we can flirt and make naughty comments. Why is SecondLife different? Because it isn't real, in the meaning of having no physical contact? No, it definitely feels real to me.
I can't have sex, without being in love. For me it's "making love" indeed. I love my SL-partner, but not as I love my husband. You could call it an intimate friendship, or being soulmates.
Like in my firstlife, I like to show my affection to that close friend, with a smile, a hug, maybe even a cuddle or a close dance. And it may happen that I suddenly feel those goose pimples on my skin, or that tickle in my stomache.
In firstlife I would leave it like that, but in SecondLife a kiss is easily given. And after that first kiss often follows another and... well, I don't have to explain the rest, I guess ;-)
I'm not looking for it, it kind of happens to me. It just feels wonderful to be loved and caressed by a good friend. Who wouldn't like that? Particularly when you are in a magical, romantic place, like so many exist in SL (and so few in FL, where circumstances usually are less private). Who could resist? Not me :)
And the feelings of guilt? They are almost gone. Somehow this is a kind of relationship that can't exist in firstlife, but does in SecondLife. But if my husband, who's not in SL, would understand that point of view? I doubt it. And for the moment, I'm not going to try to explain ;-)
* A while ago I visited a scientific museum where I read an article about falling in love. Physically it has the same effects as taking drugs, and the mentioned symptomes also applied to my SL-love, like a feeling of euphoria and less need of sleep :)
19 comments:
It is indeed wonderful to love and be loved in SL . And i think it could be healthy for a firstlife relationship if you can keep it within some
boundaries . After all we are humans and not dolphins . And i truly believe that even some dolphins like to fish in another pond once in a while. ;-))) . And please nobody better comment that dolphins are polygamous because my childhood image of flipper is holy to me. }8-)=
I've been in SL for well over a year now and I still can't answer the questions you ask here. My RL partner is also my SL partner (though both have been very on/off for the past year or more) so my situation is different than most. But a part of me still yearns for the freedom to just 'be' in SL and to feel however I wish about the people I get close to. I don't know why it affects us like this, and makes us act in ways we never would in RL. But I do think it can be a very healthy thing to do and fulfils a deep need a lot of people have. Sadly, not everyone sees it this way, especially the RL partners who are not in SL, and so often someone ends up getting hurt. But then, how is that different from RL? Love hurts.
personal comment *smiles at her*
Love is...
Love is Sharing
Love is Talking
Love is Spending Time Together
Love is Faithfulness
Love is Being Friends
Love is Looking Together in the Same Direction
Love is much easier to experience than to explain.
Love is the flower of life, and blossoms unexpectedly
and without law, and must be plucked where it is found,
and enjoyed for the brief hour of its duration.
Jona
I would say, enjoy the feelings that you have in SL with someone, it makes the virtual world so interesting. But I do also think you have to keep it within certain boundaries, because we don't want RL catching up on us.
Trying to explain to the outside world what is happening inworld, is impossible, I think, as I also wrote in my blogpost.
*smiles at Leroy and Jona* You two know, like nobody else, what I'm talking about and you know how much I appreciate your comments, as different as they are ;-)
@Phoenix: SL makes us act in ways we never would in RL indeed. You have to experience it, to understand it. And not only the RL partners don't understand. I've got SL-friends who didn't understand, when I told them about my SL relationship, until it happened to themselves a few weeks later ;-)
@Looker: The boundary is for me my computer (and I don't use skype ;-)) If you feel the desire to extend your relationship to firstlife, even by phone or exchanging addresses, I think you are going too far. Unless you both are single of course :D
Wonderful post Zippora, deep & intense. And you founnd out how to write so many things that usually cross my mind but I can't help to put in order. Honestly I totally agree with this post... And sometimes I'm just scared to see how the "digital world" can take over in your first life. Have you ever found yourself *thinking* about your SL partner while involved in first like activites like driving or cooking or else? Now, *that's* what makes me feel guilty... Not only I am subtracting first life time to my friends and/or partner to be in SL but I am thinking about someone else as well... Maybe the problem is right there... I don't feel guilty at all!
Eidur, thank you for your kind comment :) It actually took some time to order my thoughts about this too... I think I've been breeding for about 3 weeks on this post ;-)
And thinking again about the question of guilt: what worries me most is the hiding of my feelings and activities (like this blog) from the one whom I've promised faithfullness and truth.
the only difference with sl love and firstlifelove is that sl is literally connected to a very small wire , without it your whole secondlife is gone. And your loves are gone forever . unless you have a romantic communication through carrier pigeons. hmmm maybe i should consider buying some pigeons . i'll even write my letters with a goosefeather . it could be like this :
"o my love i hope my letter reaches you before dawn, i've used my fastest pigeon especially for you and he is very eager to meet his sweetie too"
i must stop now because my candle is almost gone and the ink is drying up. looking forward to receive a letter from your winged messenger." }8-)=
It was my crazy human and good circumstances that saved us both of any feel of guilt about what I do and feel. Time will tell if that was actually good for us.
Yes, these things are hard to think out... I am banging my head with a post about emotions and relationships in SL for weeks. One part of the problem is that it is really complicated thing, but the other is that I feel destructive like I'm doing vivisection of my (and other people's) emotional lives. But, it will do me good to think that out....
Yes, Dan, it does good to think it out. For me writing about it helps me sorting my thoughts and gives me rest at the end (but only at the end, lol). Hmmm... this fits in another blogpost I was thinking about... more about it later ;-)
*closes her laptop and takes her feather pen to write an answer to Leroy*
Wow, I'm really touched by this post. And not only because I'm in it ;)
I have been thinking about my SL relationships a lot lately and about how they affected my RL. At first, it was all exciting and new and became my little secret. I enjoyed it, but it didn't affect my RL that much, except for the lack of sleep and the time spent thinking about my SL partner.
Then came a time where I was really questioning my RL relationship (for various reasons) and my happy SL relationship made me think about alternatives for my RL relationship as well. This nearly made me quit SL, cause I was too frustrated in RL and couldn't stand it anymore. Luckily I have great SL friends who kept me going.
But with my recent SL break-up, I finally came to realize how much SL relationships differ from RL and how much my RL relationship really means to me. And while I still enjoy my SL flirting (and other things...), I feel that the last months of SL relationships have led to a better RL relationship in the end.
So, please remind me of these words when I fall into SL love again some time next year ;-)
PS: Why does this page have a grey background now? I find it really hard to read...
Are you in my post, Timothy? I don't see your name anywhere? *winks*
Well... I was touched too, by your honest comment, though we have talked about some of it earlier. I'm really glad you didn't quit SL AND can value your RL-relationship again.
Btw doesn't your story perfectly show why SL-relationships are not bad? Or is that a silly excuse? ;-)
And you can bet, I'll remind you of that last line :P
Argent sent me -
Thank you for this beautiful and insightful post!
You're on my RSS reader now too - I can't wait for more!
--Sophrosyne Stenvaag
http://sophrosyne_sl.livejournal.com
*giggles* I only hope I can meet your expectations in future, Sophrosyne (and Argent too) :)
Thank you for your post, it was food for my sl soul that I really needed ;-) BTW so many of us share your same emotions, so dont worry, just enjoy...
Who knows if you'll even see this response? It's an old post.
But...
"But if my husband, who's not in SL, would understand that point of view? I doubt it. And for the moment, I'm not going to try to explain ;-)"
This is what's creating your guilt, I think. If your husband knew what was going on and approved of it, there would be nothing to feel bad about, right? Cheating isn't about any specific action, it's about breaking trust. You probably feel like you're cheating because you feel that your husband would be hurt and upset if he knew what you were doing. That's where the problem is.
There's nothing wrong with polyamoury, but it's extremely important for everyone involved to understand and be ok with the situation. When poly relationships do work, this is why. There's no lying, and nothing going on behind anyone's back.
Thank you for your comment Smude - yes, I've seen it ;-)
And you've hit the nail on his head (is that an expression in English, btw?). I dont' feel guilty for my feelings to other people, but I do feel guilty for not telling my husband and thus abusing his trust in me.
Many times I've thought about confessing what's going on but I daren't take the step. And the longer I wait the more difficult it is.
I should have told him, the first time it happened and now I'm too deep in. What will hurt him most is the fact that I've been hiding it so long.
1- Less need of sleep? Now I get why!
2- Yes, I sometimes go and read again old posts.
3- Argh! Incubus! I had proudly hoped you didn't knew them, and now it is even possible I discovered them through this blog :-p
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